This Christmas morning, are you worried about selecting the perfect present for that someone special? I constantly strive, yet wherever I look I’m bombarded with impractical ideas. No, I have no desire for a scented wax with a poultry aroma, because we’ll be cooking turkey. I also don't need a dawn-simulating clock, since I can leave the curtains open achieves the same thing. I certainly do not desire a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, because that genetic material comes from milt. Were I seeking fish sperm on my face, I would tickle some pollocks.
Seeking Inspiration From the Animal Kingdom
So if you’re always looking for inspiration, I recommend: take a lesson from the animal kingdom. Humans didn’t invent gifting. This tradition has existed for over 100 million years, well before humans appeared. Aided by evolution, this has given creatures ample time to master gift-giving. Indeed, some spiders go so far as to wrap their presents!
Excluding exercise-related items and other products I dislike, there are five categories of Christmas gift: food, homeware, jewelry, skincare and clothing. The animal kingdom excels in every category.
Food Gifts: From Protein Snacks to Gourmet Skewers
Brazilian cuckoos give their partners high-protein snacks such as insects, frogs and lizards. But if you prefer their meat skewered, then the great grey shrike, also known as Lanius excubitor. Males impale their catch, such as insects and mice, onto pointed thorns and branches to create artisan kebabs.
Certain insects gift their beaus spitballs, yet these are not just any spitballs. These are the nuptial gifts of scorpionflies, created from the freshest saliva sourced from swollen salivary glands of the most genetically superior males. The delicacy is packed with nutrients, a key reason why the females favor males with big balls.
Another reason is that the most genetically robust males make the biggest spitballs. When I say “fit” I don’t mean “looks great in a leather jacket”, though that may be true. I refer to “fit” in the genetic sense.
These presents are given as a prelude to sex, thus, by selecting the male with the biggest package, the female is choosing superior genes. She then consumes the gift during sex but ends copulation as soon as it’s all gone. Larger gifts result in longer copulation times, where the male can transfer more sperm and the female is unable to mate with anyone else. This clarifies why he bothers with such an elaborate offering.
Nest-Building and Bling
Adélie penguins do not offer food, but they do give nesting materials. On the icy continent, their home, one cannot find home improvement store, so the birds must gather their gifts from their surroundings. Every mating season, the males gather pebbles and start making their nest. The vital building blocks are rare, prompting some opportunists to pilfer stones from nearby nests. But when a male presents a stone to a female, it signals he is ready to commit. Consider it the avian version of an engagement ring. The stone doesn’t go on her finger, though. If she wants to get serious, she takes the gift and places it into the nest. Subsequently, following some final adjustments, they are ready to raise a family.
Speaking of shiny things, crows excel at this gift category. There are many accounts exist of individuals who have befriended wild corvids and then been given bottle tops, fasteners, fastenings and other shiny items. For instance, a couple in Florida even received a diamond bracelet from a crow they often fed. This is especially charming because while many creatures offer gifts in the hope of scoring, crows seem to give simply for the joy of it.
The Ultimate Combination Gift: Sea Sponges
In Western Australia, dolphins have been spotted collecting pieces of sea sponge from the seabed and using them in fascinating manners. On occasion, when they’re rummaging for fish, they wear the sponges over their rostrum to help protect their skin. And sometimes, when male dolphins wish to woo females, they don them like jaunty hats before offering them as presents.
In so doing, dolphins brilliantly combine two final categories of holiday gifts. Marine sponges are clothing and skin protection. To make it even better, when males give their sponge gifts, they often strike a U-shaped “banana pose” and produce a little tune via their blowhole.
This is not the lackluster presents from pets – like a cat leaving a dead mouse in an obscure corner – or certain individuals. Dolphin gifts are thoughtful, serve multiple uses, sustainably sourced and presented with panache. There is a lesson for all of us. A famous singer may have said the only desire during the holidays “is you”, however, my one Christmas wish, it is to receive a sponge-based headwear and skin guard by a dolphin that serenades me in a stylish manner.
